And I'll miss you every step of the way..

So maybe I didn't listen. Maybe I have pulled away from my closest friends. Maybe I thought it would be easier talking to people that weren't so close to me, because they wouldn't know how much I hurt deep inside. They wouldn't realize how fake my smile is, or how forced my laugh is. They would believe I really was having a good time. They'd be easier to fool. But maybe I miss my closest friends. Maybe lately its been harder to forget he existed, for whatever reason I'm not sure. Maybe the dreams I have of him, slowly kill me inside because each time I wake up, I'm forced to try and pretend he never existed all over again. I dream that we're laughing, and having fun together. I dream that we're arguing and not getting a long. I dream about laying next to him, and sometimes when I wake up, I'm almost convinced I can smell him on me. 

I push him as far out of my head as I can. Pretending he didn't exist is easier now than it was. Kyle who? Scratch that.. saying his name, even in my head.. even typing it.. it hurts. It brings back memories. Memories that I'm not sure I'm strong enough to remember. The way we'd fall asleep together, and wake up together. How he'd lean over and kiss my forehead and mutter 'good morning angel'. Or how I'd wake up to him staring at me, to which I'd ask what he was doing and he would simply say 'watching you sleep.. you're so beautiful'. Or even when I would wake up first, and I'd snuggle against him.. nuzzling my nose into his neck and he would get this adorable smile on his face. Even memories of the arguments are burnt into my head. The bad times. The good times. And I know I can't have any of that back. And to be honest, I don't think I can face that. I think that's why I push him out of my head. Why I try to pretend he never existed. 

I don't do that 24/7 though. I talk about him to the boys, and I answer the questions they have. Although 'Daddy's in heaven now' cuts me just a little deeper each time I say it. They don't full get it either, which is painful. Trent assumes he is away on a business trip. Tyler knows something, but I'm not sure what. He's starting to act up, and I feel bad for him. I know the rest of his life isn't going to be easy. It's going to be confusing, and a struggle. But I'm going to do my best to make sure he knew how much his daddy loves him, how much their daddy loves both of them. 


I can't.. I can't talk about this anymore.. I have to go back to pretending. Pretending somehow masks the pain, or rather delays it.

No matter what you do, you'll never face it alone.

I can't sleep. Have I tried? Well, not exactly. HA. It's midnight oh five, and I just have no desire to sleep. I do, but I don't. I don't but I do. 

So since I'm having such a hard core dilemma about sleeping, I decided to stuff my face. I mean, only makes sense right? Cheese danish it is! With some milk. Mmm. And heck, why we're at it, why not throw in some Grey's Anatomy. I'm playing catch up with Season 7, and what do I have to do that's better than Grey's Anatomy.. oh that's right, nothing! Which, by the way, I did not mean that in a 'oh I have no life cause I suck' kind of way. I mean it in more of a 'Grey's Anatomy is the love of my life' kind of way. Cause really, have you seen the male doctors on there? There's Doctor McDreamy, Doctor McSteamy, Karev [spelling probably is not right on that.. ] and Avery. Whew. Not as many attractive men as Vampire Diaries, but still. Medical Soap Op basically lol. 

I decided to make it two cheese danishes, two cups of milk, and to watch Grey's Anatomy until I pass out. There is my solution for not being able to sleep. Okay okay, netflix is done loading and it's almost like I can hear Grey's telling me to hurry up. Goodnight!


Ahh yes.. this is my crazy so called life.

 

So you think I'm crazy..

I'll try to keep this from being all over the place,  but I can't make promises. Also, I have no clue how to start this. If I started off with what was going through my head right now, you'd prolly say I'm crazy. Or deranged. Or needed to be locked into a little padded room. 

Oh what the heck, you're gonna find out at some point. Here it goes. 

I feel like screaming. At the top of my lungs. My life isn't always like this, but today.. today is a screaming day. I almost wish I could run away. Just leave. I don't know where I'd go, but that always seems to be beside the point. 

Today just needs a redo button. Ya know, I really wanted my first blog to be happier. Hm. Let's give this another go. I'm blessed with two wonderful little boys, who I am currently taking a break from refereeing. Their little arguments are getting to me more today than usual. Spongebob comes in handy for that. We'll see how long the peace and quiet lasts.

Just breathe. Isn't that one of the things that people tell you to do when you feel like you're going to break? Just breathe. Breathe. Such a simple word, yet sometimes, so hard to do. It's okay to not always be happy isn't it? I think it is, but sometimes I'm not so sure.

I think I need a nap. I think that's why I'm so gloomy today. I'm tired, and grumpy. And did I mention tired? I have to be up early tomorrow, and lets be honest, I'm not a morning person. Not when it's required anyway. I don't even dare lay my head down on my arms, because more than likely I would fall asleep. And then, who knows what kind of shambles this place would be in when I woke up. Just the other day, Trent woke up way before me and decided to get in my purse, get the scissors, and cut his brothers hair. I had just taken them to the barber like two days before. Needless to say, my youngest has a million bald spots now. Joys of being a parent they say.