Running.. But to where..

I'm not sure where to start. So much has happened. Which is odd, considering it really hasn't been too long since I've blogged last. 

Too much is clouding my head. Way too much. I can't think sometimes. Can't breathe. It's ridiculous. You'd think that feelings, would be something that wouldn't cause so much wreckage. Feelings are sticky. Way too sticky for me. I run. They call me the runner. Kinda like run away bride, but I never make it that far. 

I run when people get too close. Specifically guys. It's like I said, something I do. I usually get to the point where I'm like, ohh.. I think I kinda maybe like this dude. And then a switch happens, and I run. I haven't really figured out what I'm running from yet. Maybe myself. Maybe the thought of giving myself to someone again. I mean, lets be honest.. it didn't end so great that last time. He's gone, and he's never coming back. Ever. Left in the worst way possible, so that I'm left here sitting. Wondering. Thinking. If only I had... Maybe if I would've.. 

And people go on and on about how I shouldn't blame myself. Quite frankly I've started to drown them out. Like a broken record that I wish would just end. People could tell me everyday for the rest of my life that his death wasn't my fault, but I would just keep doing what I do.. bearing the burden and the weight on my shoulders. Waking up each day and knowing that I could've stopped him. Stop telling me I don't know, because I do. Okay? There are just some things you just... KNOW. And that's one of them. I'll go to my grave saying it. 

Why can't life go back to normal? How it used to be. I never used to be such a mess. But I guess I've never held someones death in my hands. 

This isn't even why I started this blog. I started it tonight because my head is a mess. An absolute mess. It's crazy in there, can you believe it? Things flying everywhere, words shouting, emotions going nuts. I'm pretty sure that sentence would make my English teacher cringe. But oh well. 

I've noticed I hardly ever write about anything happy anymore. I think I know why. This is where the real me comes out. The inner self. The only place where I think I can honestly write down what I'm thinking, or feeling. My own little personal world. Except people read it. Some relate, some don't.. other's just think I'm crazy. But ya know.. what can you do? I started writing tonight because I just had to get this out. Except.. I don't know where to start. Or how to stop once I get started, cause I think it'll be a doozey this time. 

All in all? I think I suck at life. Fail at relationships. I don't see myself ever having a boyfriend again. Horrible right? Not to me. I can deal with being lonely. I can't deal with being hurt again. With giving myself to another guy. Getting to know him, his friends, his family... just for him to walk away. Because let's face it. I'm nobody. I really am nothing special. It's weird to me to even think a dude could like me. It honestly is. It sounds crazy I know, but I think about it and my nose kinda does this B*Witched twitch thing, and it just sounds insane to me. Who could like me? Why? It wouldn't last. I'm not one who is about trusting. Feelings are sticky as I've said, and I do my best to stay away. People just don't get it. It's better to just... keep my distance. Then the only one who gets hurt is me. And I can deal with that.. with me hurting me. But not with anybody else hurting me, or me hurting anybody else.

 I need to run. I feel it in my veins. People are getting close to me and I'm.... I'm letting them.      

Another one bites the dust..

Ahh, such is life right? I set out to write, but my head is so jumbled right now. Should probably put down the keyboard, and wait. Yeah.. such is life...

Never gonna bring me down

I'm ashamed to say that I haven't honored my blog title today.. er tonight.. yesterday, whatever. It was a pretty crappy day. And this will probably be short, but if you'd like, you can read forth and I will tell you about it. 

This morning wasn't really bad, I'll give life that one. But Mother Nature did ensure that it got to be cold which let's face it, sucked. Moving on, moving on. This afternoon, I wrote the blog about death and needless to say, that got me down a little.. but it was alright because it was meeting night and I was going to the station to be around the guys. There. Right there. Not at that exact moment, but a few hours after. That's when it happened. I let what someone said, put me in a sour mood. It wasn't even said to my face. More to my side. Or maybe even my back. And I'm almost fully sure he didn't want me to hear it. But I did. And I hear it on repeat. 

( If you've read my profile, you'd know I'm a firefighter. Recently, also a licensed EMT-B. An accomplishment I have to say that I am proud of. )

I'm more of the type of person who will take what you say with a grain of salt and brush it off. But tonight, I don't know why, but tonight I couldn't. No, that's not right. I could've. I just didn't. Being told, or in fact, overhearing a guy say that girls don't belong in the firefighting field... it bothers me. Who are YOU to judge and say who can do what. While I'm not the award winning firefighter, I'm always willing to learn. I respect chain of command. And I love firefighting. I love the guys. I love the station. And you're saying I shouldn't be here? 

I take it personal. 

Then, moving on.. even though that was the beginning and the biggest upheaval, my car charger stopped working. So my phone died. And I was craving Long John Silvers so bad (which I'm vowing from here on out not to eat anymore, or fast food in general.. pop included. hang with me folks.. its going to be a bumpy ride), but I had to get gas first and by the time I got to Long Johns, they were closed. Because of course I forgot they closed at 9pm tonight and not 10, and of course, I got there at 9:10. So then I beat myself up because if only I had gotten gas earlier like I had originally planned, I would've made it. 

I sadly drove off, in seek of something that sounded good.. because I knew if I didn't eat something, anything, I wouldn't eat at all. Burger King? No.. McDonald's? No.. I can't get it out of my head how their burgers don't rot or deteriorate or anything that would show even a small hint of proof that it was "real". Wendy's was too far, and so that left Schroeder's. Ended up being gross. I could've just gone without eating. Then, I got a toothache, which led to an earache and then now, a headache. 

I swear I'm only temporarily venting/throwing a pity party. It won't happen often. Not this way. Not over simple things like this. 

So I'm laying here, not even honoring my word that this was going to be short. Laying here on my right side, hoping that will help even in the slightest, even though the earache is on the left side. I would close my eyes and try sleep, but when I do, the room spins. Or at least, I think it's spinning. My eyes are closed so I can't really tell. But if I had to guess, I'd say the room was spinning. So alas, my eyes are staying open til I either a) can close them and the room stays still, or b) my body gets so exhausted that I'm forced to pass out. 

I'm voting for option a, personally. I think til then, I'll watch some more Grey's Anatomy. 

Goodnight, or Good Morning.. but either way, I hope it's good. 

Death is hardest on the living

Death is hardest on the living - Grey's Anatomy. 

Never have I ever been so in tune, in touch or so into a show. I feel like.. (this is going to sound stupid) it was there for me.. God I sound like a loser LOL. There was almost always an episode that I felt I could relate to. And as weird as it is, you feel like you know the characters. And Mark Sloan just died. And I cried. I cried for him, and for me, for Meredith, for Hunt, Bailey, Derek, Callie, Avery and.... for Kyle. Because I know how Torres felt. And I know how it feels to lose the other parent. How it feels knowing you have to keep going, no matter how empty and broken and torn down you feel. How everyday when you look at your child, you see the other parent and you know that you have so much to explain and so many future questions to answer. The weight is more than you could ever understand. But you carry it, even when you are only an inch off the ground.. you still carry it. 

It's hard. I can't lie. More than likely the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Nobody understands. Nobody gets it. I don't even get it. That's the problem. I don't get it. I don't know the whys. The how comes. The didn't we matter. I hate how much it's hurt me. In a way I don't know if I'll ever recover. People say I will. They say everything heals with time. That one day, I'll find someone new. But people are stupid and simple minded and quite frankly, don't know jack. 

I'm still trying to block him out of my thoughts.  It's working less and less every day. I see him everywhere, and if I'm not seeing him everywhere, I'm thinking about him everywhere. I hear him everywhere. Things he would've said. The faces he would've made. The music we used to listen to. I'm trying so hard to accept and move on. I'm trying to make that my motto. Live and let learn, forgive and move on. But how am I going to move on when I will NEVER know why. I will never see him again. Aside from all the religion voodoo of course. In this life. On this earth. I will never see him again. Never feel his touch, or hear his voice. My heart just skipped a beat thinking about old videos that may have his voice on it. I still hear his voice mail in my head "Hey.. its me.. leave me a message and I'll try to get back to ya" over. and over. and over. and over. 


Sometimes I want to completely erase him. All the memories. Everything. I guess to punish him. Which is rather stupid if you think about it, because all in all, you can't punish someone who isn't here anymore. Someone who choose not to be here. 

I'm just so tired of hurting, but I know it's not over. It never will be.