Running.. But to where..

I'm not sure where to start. So much has happened. Which is odd, considering it really hasn't been too long since I've blogged last. 

Too much is clouding my head. Way too much. I can't think sometimes. Can't breathe. It's ridiculous. You'd think that feelings, would be something that wouldn't cause so much wreckage. Feelings are sticky. Way too sticky for me. I run. They call me the runner. Kinda like run away bride, but I never make it that far. 

I run when people get too close. Specifically guys. It's like I said, something I do. I usually get to the point where I'm like, ohh.. I think I kinda maybe like this dude. And then a switch happens, and I run. I haven't really figured out what I'm running from yet. Maybe myself. Maybe the thought of giving myself to someone again. I mean, lets be honest.. it didn't end so great that last time. He's gone, and he's never coming back. Ever. Left in the worst way possible, so that I'm left here sitting. Wondering. Thinking. If only I had... Maybe if I would've.. 

And people go on and on about how I shouldn't blame myself. Quite frankly I've started to drown them out. Like a broken record that I wish would just end. People could tell me everyday for the rest of my life that his death wasn't my fault, but I would just keep doing what I do.. bearing the burden and the weight on my shoulders. Waking up each day and knowing that I could've stopped him. Stop telling me I don't know, because I do. Okay? There are just some things you just... KNOW. And that's one of them. I'll go to my grave saying it. 

Why can't life go back to normal? How it used to be. I never used to be such a mess. But I guess I've never held someones death in my hands. 

This isn't even why I started this blog. I started it tonight because my head is a mess. An absolute mess. It's crazy in there, can you believe it? Things flying everywhere, words shouting, emotions going nuts. I'm pretty sure that sentence would make my English teacher cringe. But oh well. 

I've noticed I hardly ever write about anything happy anymore. I think I know why. This is where the real me comes out. The inner self. The only place where I think I can honestly write down what I'm thinking, or feeling. My own little personal world. Except people read it. Some relate, some don't.. other's just think I'm crazy. But ya know.. what can you do? I started writing tonight because I just had to get this out. Except.. I don't know where to start. Or how to stop once I get started, cause I think it'll be a doozey this time. 

All in all? I think I suck at life. Fail at relationships. I don't see myself ever having a boyfriend again. Horrible right? Not to me. I can deal with being lonely. I can't deal with being hurt again. With giving myself to another guy. Getting to know him, his friends, his family... just for him to walk away. Because let's face it. I'm nobody. I really am nothing special. It's weird to me to even think a dude could like me. It honestly is. It sounds crazy I know, but I think about it and my nose kinda does this B*Witched twitch thing, and it just sounds insane to me. Who could like me? Why? It wouldn't last. I'm not one who is about trusting. Feelings are sticky as I've said, and I do my best to stay away. People just don't get it. It's better to just... keep my distance. Then the only one who gets hurt is me. And I can deal with that.. with me hurting me. But not with anybody else hurting me, or me hurting anybody else.

 I need to run. I feel it in my veins. People are getting close to me and I'm.... I'm letting them.      

Another one bites the dust..

Ahh, such is life right? I set out to write, but my head is so jumbled right now. Should probably put down the keyboard, and wait. Yeah.. such is life...

Never gonna bring me down

I'm ashamed to say that I haven't honored my blog title today.. er tonight.. yesterday, whatever. It was a pretty crappy day. And this will probably be short, but if you'd like, you can read forth and I will tell you about it. 

This morning wasn't really bad, I'll give life that one. But Mother Nature did ensure that it got to be cold which let's face it, sucked. Moving on, moving on. This afternoon, I wrote the blog about death and needless to say, that got me down a little.. but it was alright because it was meeting night and I was going to the station to be around the guys. There. Right there. Not at that exact moment, but a few hours after. That's when it happened. I let what someone said, put me in a sour mood. It wasn't even said to my face. More to my side. Or maybe even my back. And I'm almost fully sure he didn't want me to hear it. But I did. And I hear it on repeat. 

( If you've read my profile, you'd know I'm a firefighter. Recently, also a licensed EMT-B. An accomplishment I have to say that I am proud of. )

I'm more of the type of person who will take what you say with a grain of salt and brush it off. But tonight, I don't know why, but tonight I couldn't. No, that's not right. I could've. I just didn't. Being told, or in fact, overhearing a guy say that girls don't belong in the firefighting field... it bothers me. Who are YOU to judge and say who can do what. While I'm not the award winning firefighter, I'm always willing to learn. I respect chain of command. And I love firefighting. I love the guys. I love the station. And you're saying I shouldn't be here? 

I take it personal. 

Then, moving on.. even though that was the beginning and the biggest upheaval, my car charger stopped working. So my phone died. And I was craving Long John Silvers so bad (which I'm vowing from here on out not to eat anymore, or fast food in general.. pop included. hang with me folks.. its going to be a bumpy ride), but I had to get gas first and by the time I got to Long Johns, they were closed. Because of course I forgot they closed at 9pm tonight and not 10, and of course, I got there at 9:10. So then I beat myself up because if only I had gotten gas earlier like I had originally planned, I would've made it. 

I sadly drove off, in seek of something that sounded good.. because I knew if I didn't eat something, anything, I wouldn't eat at all. Burger King? No.. McDonald's? No.. I can't get it out of my head how their burgers don't rot or deteriorate or anything that would show even a small hint of proof that it was "real". Wendy's was too far, and so that left Schroeder's. Ended up being gross. I could've just gone without eating. Then, I got a toothache, which led to an earache and then now, a headache. 

I swear I'm only temporarily venting/throwing a pity party. It won't happen often. Not this way. Not over simple things like this. 

So I'm laying here, not even honoring my word that this was going to be short. Laying here on my right side, hoping that will help even in the slightest, even though the earache is on the left side. I would close my eyes and try sleep, but when I do, the room spins. Or at least, I think it's spinning. My eyes are closed so I can't really tell. But if I had to guess, I'd say the room was spinning. So alas, my eyes are staying open til I either a) can close them and the room stays still, or b) my body gets so exhausted that I'm forced to pass out. 

I'm voting for option a, personally. I think til then, I'll watch some more Grey's Anatomy. 

Goodnight, or Good Morning.. but either way, I hope it's good. 

Death is hardest on the living

Death is hardest on the living - Grey's Anatomy. 

Never have I ever been so in tune, in touch or so into a show. I feel like.. (this is going to sound stupid) it was there for me.. God I sound like a loser LOL. There was almost always an episode that I felt I could relate to. And as weird as it is, you feel like you know the characters. And Mark Sloan just died. And I cried. I cried for him, and for me, for Meredith, for Hunt, Bailey, Derek, Callie, Avery and.... for Kyle. Because I know how Torres felt. And I know how it feels to lose the other parent. How it feels knowing you have to keep going, no matter how empty and broken and torn down you feel. How everyday when you look at your child, you see the other parent and you know that you have so much to explain and so many future questions to answer. The weight is more than you could ever understand. But you carry it, even when you are only an inch off the ground.. you still carry it. 

It's hard. I can't lie. More than likely the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Nobody understands. Nobody gets it. I don't even get it. That's the problem. I don't get it. I don't know the whys. The how comes. The didn't we matter. I hate how much it's hurt me. In a way I don't know if I'll ever recover. People say I will. They say everything heals with time. That one day, I'll find someone new. But people are stupid and simple minded and quite frankly, don't know jack. 

I'm still trying to block him out of my thoughts.  It's working less and less every day. I see him everywhere, and if I'm not seeing him everywhere, I'm thinking about him everywhere. I hear him everywhere. Things he would've said. The faces he would've made. The music we used to listen to. I'm trying so hard to accept and move on. I'm trying to make that my motto. Live and let learn, forgive and move on. But how am I going to move on when I will NEVER know why. I will never see him again. Aside from all the religion voodoo of course. In this life. On this earth. I will never see him again. Never feel his touch, or hear his voice. My heart just skipped a beat thinking about old videos that may have his voice on it. I still hear his voice mail in my head "Hey.. its me.. leave me a message and I'll try to get back to ya" over. and over. and over. and over. 


Sometimes I want to completely erase him. All the memories. Everything. I guess to punish him. Which is rather stupid if you think about it, because all in all, you can't punish someone who isn't here anymore. Someone who choose not to be here. 

I'm just so tired of hurting, but I know it's not over. It never will be.

And I'll miss you every step of the way..

So maybe I didn't listen. Maybe I have pulled away from my closest friends. Maybe I thought it would be easier talking to people that weren't so close to me, because they wouldn't know how much I hurt deep inside. They wouldn't realize how fake my smile is, or how forced my laugh is. They would believe I really was having a good time. They'd be easier to fool. But maybe I miss my closest friends. Maybe lately its been harder to forget he existed, for whatever reason I'm not sure. Maybe the dreams I have of him, slowly kill me inside because each time I wake up, I'm forced to try and pretend he never existed all over again. I dream that we're laughing, and having fun together. I dream that we're arguing and not getting a long. I dream about laying next to him, and sometimes when I wake up, I'm almost convinced I can smell him on me. 

I push him as far out of my head as I can. Pretending he didn't exist is easier now than it was. Kyle who? Scratch that.. saying his name, even in my head.. even typing it.. it hurts. It brings back memories. Memories that I'm not sure I'm strong enough to remember. The way we'd fall asleep together, and wake up together. How he'd lean over and kiss my forehead and mutter 'good morning angel'. Or how I'd wake up to him staring at me, to which I'd ask what he was doing and he would simply say 'watching you sleep.. you're so beautiful'. Or even when I would wake up first, and I'd snuggle against him.. nuzzling my nose into his neck and he would get this adorable smile on his face. Even memories of the arguments are burnt into my head. The bad times. The good times. And I know I can't have any of that back. And to be honest, I don't think I can face that. I think that's why I push him out of my head. Why I try to pretend he never existed. 

I don't do that 24/7 though. I talk about him to the boys, and I answer the questions they have. Although 'Daddy's in heaven now' cuts me just a little deeper each time I say it. They don't full get it either, which is painful. Trent assumes he is away on a business trip. Tyler knows something, but I'm not sure what. He's starting to act up, and I feel bad for him. I know the rest of his life isn't going to be easy. It's going to be confusing, and a struggle. But I'm going to do my best to make sure he knew how much his daddy loves him, how much their daddy loves both of them. 


I can't.. I can't talk about this anymore.. I have to go back to pretending. Pretending somehow masks the pain, or rather delays it.

No matter what you do, you'll never face it alone.

I can't sleep. Have I tried? Well, not exactly. HA. It's midnight oh five, and I just have no desire to sleep. I do, but I don't. I don't but I do. 

So since I'm having such a hard core dilemma about sleeping, I decided to stuff my face. I mean, only makes sense right? Cheese danish it is! With some milk. Mmm. And heck, why we're at it, why not throw in some Grey's Anatomy. I'm playing catch up with Season 7, and what do I have to do that's better than Grey's Anatomy.. oh that's right, nothing! Which, by the way, I did not mean that in a 'oh I have no life cause I suck' kind of way. I mean it in more of a 'Grey's Anatomy is the love of my life' kind of way. Cause really, have you seen the male doctors on there? There's Doctor McDreamy, Doctor McSteamy, Karev [spelling probably is not right on that.. ] and Avery. Whew. Not as many attractive men as Vampire Diaries, but still. Medical Soap Op basically lol. 

I decided to make it two cheese danishes, two cups of milk, and to watch Grey's Anatomy until I pass out. There is my solution for not being able to sleep. Okay okay, netflix is done loading and it's almost like I can hear Grey's telling me to hurry up. Goodnight!


Ahh yes.. this is my crazy so called life.

 

So you think I'm crazy..

I'll try to keep this from being all over the place,  but I can't make promises. Also, I have no clue how to start this. If I started off with what was going through my head right now, you'd prolly say I'm crazy. Or deranged. Or needed to be locked into a little padded room. 

Oh what the heck, you're gonna find out at some point. Here it goes. 

I feel like screaming. At the top of my lungs. My life isn't always like this, but today.. today is a screaming day. I almost wish I could run away. Just leave. I don't know where I'd go, but that always seems to be beside the point. 

Today just needs a redo button. Ya know, I really wanted my first blog to be happier. Hm. Let's give this another go. I'm blessed with two wonderful little boys, who I am currently taking a break from refereeing. Their little arguments are getting to me more today than usual. Spongebob comes in handy for that. We'll see how long the peace and quiet lasts.

Just breathe. Isn't that one of the things that people tell you to do when you feel like you're going to break? Just breathe. Breathe. Such a simple word, yet sometimes, so hard to do. It's okay to not always be happy isn't it? I think it is, but sometimes I'm not so sure.

I think I need a nap. I think that's why I'm so gloomy today. I'm tired, and grumpy. And did I mention tired? I have to be up early tomorrow, and lets be honest, I'm not a morning person. Not when it's required anyway. I don't even dare lay my head down on my arms, because more than likely I would fall asleep. And then, who knows what kind of shambles this place would be in when I woke up. Just the other day, Trent woke up way before me and decided to get in my purse, get the scissors, and cut his brothers hair. I had just taken them to the barber like two days before. Needless to say, my youngest has a million bald spots now. Joys of being a parent they say.