And I'll miss you every step of the way..

So maybe I didn't listen. Maybe I have pulled away from my closest friends. Maybe I thought it would be easier talking to people that weren't so close to me, because they wouldn't know how much I hurt deep inside. They wouldn't realize how fake my smile is, or how forced my laugh is. They would believe I really was having a good time. They'd be easier to fool. But maybe I miss my closest friends. Maybe lately its been harder to forget he existed, for whatever reason I'm not sure. Maybe the dreams I have of him, slowly kill me inside because each time I wake up, I'm forced to try and pretend he never existed all over again. I dream that we're laughing, and having fun together. I dream that we're arguing and not getting a long. I dream about laying next to him, and sometimes when I wake up, I'm almost convinced I can smell him on me. 

I push him as far out of my head as I can. Pretending he didn't exist is easier now than it was. Kyle who? Scratch that.. saying his name, even in my head.. even typing it.. it hurts. It brings back memories. Memories that I'm not sure I'm strong enough to remember. The way we'd fall asleep together, and wake up together. How he'd lean over and kiss my forehead and mutter 'good morning angel'. Or how I'd wake up to him staring at me, to which I'd ask what he was doing and he would simply say 'watching you sleep.. you're so beautiful'. Or even when I would wake up first, and I'd snuggle against him.. nuzzling my nose into his neck and he would get this adorable smile on his face. Even memories of the arguments are burnt into my head. The bad times. The good times. And I know I can't have any of that back. And to be honest, I don't think I can face that. I think that's why I push him out of my head. Why I try to pretend he never existed. 

I don't do that 24/7 though. I talk about him to the boys, and I answer the questions they have. Although 'Daddy's in heaven now' cuts me just a little deeper each time I say it. They don't full get it either, which is painful. Trent assumes he is away on a business trip. Tyler knows something, but I'm not sure what. He's starting to act up, and I feel bad for him. I know the rest of his life isn't going to be easy. It's going to be confusing, and a struggle. But I'm going to do my best to make sure he knew how much his daddy loves him, how much their daddy loves both of them. 


I can't.. I can't talk about this anymore.. I have to go back to pretending. Pretending somehow masks the pain, or rather delays it.