Running.. But to where..

I'm not sure where to start. So much has happened. Which is odd, considering it really hasn't been too long since I've blogged last. 

Too much is clouding my head. Way too much. I can't think sometimes. Can't breathe. It's ridiculous. You'd think that feelings, would be something that wouldn't cause so much wreckage. Feelings are sticky. Way too sticky for me. I run. They call me the runner. Kinda like run away bride, but I never make it that far. 

I run when people get too close. Specifically guys. It's like I said, something I do. I usually get to the point where I'm like, ohh.. I think I kinda maybe like this dude. And then a switch happens, and I run. I haven't really figured out what I'm running from yet. Maybe myself. Maybe the thought of giving myself to someone again. I mean, lets be honest.. it didn't end so great that last time. He's gone, and he's never coming back. Ever. Left in the worst way possible, so that I'm left here sitting. Wondering. Thinking. If only I had... Maybe if I would've.. 

And people go on and on about how I shouldn't blame myself. Quite frankly I've started to drown them out. Like a broken record that I wish would just end. People could tell me everyday for the rest of my life that his death wasn't my fault, but I would just keep doing what I do.. bearing the burden and the weight on my shoulders. Waking up each day and knowing that I could've stopped him. Stop telling me I don't know, because I do. Okay? There are just some things you just... KNOW. And that's one of them. I'll go to my grave saying it. 

Why can't life go back to normal? How it used to be. I never used to be such a mess. But I guess I've never held someones death in my hands. 

This isn't even why I started this blog. I started it tonight because my head is a mess. An absolute mess. It's crazy in there, can you believe it? Things flying everywhere, words shouting, emotions going nuts. I'm pretty sure that sentence would make my English teacher cringe. But oh well. 

I've noticed I hardly ever write about anything happy anymore. I think I know why. This is where the real me comes out. The inner self. The only place where I think I can honestly write down what I'm thinking, or feeling. My own little personal world. Except people read it. Some relate, some don't.. other's just think I'm crazy. But ya know.. what can you do? I started writing tonight because I just had to get this out. Except.. I don't know where to start. Or how to stop once I get started, cause I think it'll be a doozey this time. 

All in all? I think I suck at life. Fail at relationships. I don't see myself ever having a boyfriend again. Horrible right? Not to me. I can deal with being lonely. I can't deal with being hurt again. With giving myself to another guy. Getting to know him, his friends, his family... just for him to walk away. Because let's face it. I'm nobody. I really am nothing special. It's weird to me to even think a dude could like me. It honestly is. It sounds crazy I know, but I think about it and my nose kinda does this B*Witched twitch thing, and it just sounds insane to me. Who could like me? Why? It wouldn't last. I'm not one who is about trusting. Feelings are sticky as I've said, and I do my best to stay away. People just don't get it. It's better to just... keep my distance. Then the only one who gets hurt is me. And I can deal with that.. with me hurting me. But not with anybody else hurting me, or me hurting anybody else.

 I need to run. I feel it in my veins. People are getting close to me and I'm.... I'm letting them.