Death is hardest on the living

Death is hardest on the living - Grey's Anatomy. 

Never have I ever been so in tune, in touch or so into a show. I feel like.. (this is going to sound stupid) it was there for me.. God I sound like a loser LOL. There was almost always an episode that I felt I could relate to. And as weird as it is, you feel like you know the characters. And Mark Sloan just died. And I cried. I cried for him, and for me, for Meredith, for Hunt, Bailey, Derek, Callie, Avery and.... for Kyle. Because I know how Torres felt. And I know how it feels to lose the other parent. How it feels knowing you have to keep going, no matter how empty and broken and torn down you feel. How everyday when you look at your child, you see the other parent and you know that you have so much to explain and so many future questions to answer. The weight is more than you could ever understand. But you carry it, even when you are only an inch off the ground.. you still carry it. 

It's hard. I can't lie. More than likely the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Nobody understands. Nobody gets it. I don't even get it. That's the problem. I don't get it. I don't know the whys. The how comes. The didn't we matter. I hate how much it's hurt me. In a way I don't know if I'll ever recover. People say I will. They say everything heals with time. That one day, I'll find someone new. But people are stupid and simple minded and quite frankly, don't know jack. 

I'm still trying to block him out of my thoughts.  It's working less and less every day. I see him everywhere, and if I'm not seeing him everywhere, I'm thinking about him everywhere. I hear him everywhere. Things he would've said. The faces he would've made. The music we used to listen to. I'm trying so hard to accept and move on. I'm trying to make that my motto. Live and let learn, forgive and move on. But how am I going to move on when I will NEVER know why. I will never see him again. Aside from all the religion voodoo of course. In this life. On this earth. I will never see him again. Never feel his touch, or hear his voice. My heart just skipped a beat thinking about old videos that may have his voice on it. I still hear his voice mail in my head "Hey.. its me.. leave me a message and I'll try to get back to ya" over. and over. and over. and over. 


Sometimes I want to completely erase him. All the memories. Everything. I guess to punish him. Which is rather stupid if you think about it, because all in all, you can't punish someone who isn't here anymore. Someone who choose not to be here. 

I'm just so tired of hurting, but I know it's not over. It never will be.